An Evolving Perspective on Aging
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Flipping through journals regarding aging
Aging wasn't something I gave much thought to until I hit 30. Now, a mix of societal pressure and experiences from my upbringing make it impossible to ignore.
We all understand the societal pressures on women to retain their youth as long as possible, but growing up, I saw similar pressures from a young age. There were jokes and comments—things like making crude remarks about Mary-Kate & Ashley turning 18 and repeatedly praising fake breasts in movies, which often correlated to young women portraying teenagers. I realized there was an idealized version of beauty—one tied to specific attributes and age—noticing how the women around me never received compliments. In fact, to this day, I can't recall a single compliment I've heard towards the actual women in my life—only jokes about their bodies or looks not being good enough in some capacity.
I grew up internalizing this behavior as “normal,” believing it was just “how men are,” because that’s what I was told whenever I felt upset. Over time, this led me to believe that any partner would always desire someone younger or “better,” a fear that became a deep-seated insecurity I’ve had to work hard to overcome. I’m now realizing that justifying this behavior was as harmful as the behavior itself, shaping my early views in ways I’m only now beginning to fully understand and challenge. These messages had such a strong impact on how I viewed relationships that they affected my current one for years, even in the presence of someone who provides immense security and nurturing. [November 5, 2024]
The comments about fake breasts had a significant impact on my self-image. As a little girl, I internalized the idea that fake breasts were superior to natural ones. I believed that if my body didn’t match the images I saw on screen, my partner would see me as inadequate. This struggle to love my natural breasts has lingered for years, even affecting my comfort when watching anything with my partner that features women’s bodies. A few years ago, while watching Spring Breakers, a scene with fake breasts triggered me to the point of tears. I locked myself in the bathroom, analyzing my body in the mirror and feeling unworthy. For the longest time, I wished for super small nipples because many of the women portrayed on screen that were celebrated had large breasts with small nipples. It took me a while to realize that nipple size is proportionate to natural breast size. What I had been seeing on screen were small, natural breasts enhanced with implants, which created a different look.
Recently, I found myself confronting this behavior directly—as it still makes me feel uncomfortable today whenever I hear similar comments. These moments often lead me to create distance between myself and others, not wanting to come around as often as I would like. After years of excusing this behavior, I decided to address it. I expressed how damaging this perspective had been. Instead of acknowledgment, I received a response that dismissed my feelings entirely—a painful reminder of why this belief system had taken root in the first place.
The response wasn’t surprising, but it was disheartening. Too often, the excuse of "keeping the peace" is used to silence someone who has chosen not to stay silent any longer. It’s easier to avoid confronting harmful behavior by labeling the other person 'too sensitive' than to sit with the discomfort of accountability. You can't always expect others to understand this, especially when they mask their own trauma or pain through alcohol, food, or constant busyness. Speaking up isn’t about changing the other person—it’s about affirming my own worth and the worth of others. Setting clear boundaries for what will no longer be tolerated in my presence. Addressing these behaviors, no matter how futile it may seem in the moment, felt like I was finally standing up for the little girl who no one else had defended. [January 7, 2025]
January 21, 2021
Really insecure about my breasts. I get upset when I see them on tv and in movies because I am envious mine don't look exactly like that. When I look at myself in the mirror naked, I look at mine in dismay.. I cried in the bathroom for 1.5 hours after seeing them on the tv. When I watch these things with Joe, I wonder if what he sees he finds better than mine or more desirable. He has never done anything to make me feel that way though, that's just where my mind goes.
January 27, 2023
Wasting time and energy on things that don’t matter instead of living.
I've heard stories from people nearing the end of their lives, filled with either regret or contentment.
Even though I'm only 30, I already feel like I've wasted so much of my life. Half of it has been spent wrestling with disordered eating and emotions instead of truly living.
I look at photos of women when they were in their teens or early 20s, thinking how youthful their skin looks. It’s hard not to feel like I’ve wasted my "pretty years" being self-destructive. I can’t help but wish I could redo my 20s, even though I know dwelling on it doesn’t change anything.
Allow myself to feel without letting what I feel take control of me.
September 13, 2023
Year 31 Goals: Aging + Mental Health
Be okay with and accept the aging process. I want to look up to more women who age naturally, like Pamela Anderson. As long as I take care of myself, I know I can age gracefully.
But I still hate that I fear aging. Wrinkles and gray hair terrify me. I think about things like Botox, but deep down, I don’t want to go down that path. It feels important to me to keep my natural face, even though I cry about the idea of wanting tweaks one day. I just don’t know if I could look at myself the same way. Then again, what if I’m 35, seeing subtle lines—would it really be so bad to do something small? I don't want wrinkles in my 30's.
Aging is a part of life not everyone gets to experience.
November 29, 2023 – 11:44 PM
I’m terrified to age, and I think about it constantly—especially during my nighttime skincare routine.
I’m watching a documentary featuring Cindy Crawford. She’s 57 and still stunning, but even compared to her in her 20s, it’s hard not to feel like it’s unfair to still be beautiful but not as youthful.
Aging is a gift, but I have no desire to see myself as an older woman.
Focus on balance and stability in my thoughts. Find harmony between accepting the natural process of aging as a gift and maintaining my well-being. Have a balanced perspective and appreciate the different phases of life.
January 17, 2024
I was going way back and flipping through old Poshmark listings. I looked so pretty—26 years old, tan, abs showing crazily (even though it was from restricting). My face seemed cuter. Seeing those photos makes me feel less pretty now.
I don’t like aging.
4 of Cups: Recognize and appreciate the positive aspects in my life. Gratitude and mindfulness.
April 21, 2024
Whenever I see women with features I feel I lack, I immediately feel inferior.
Sometimes, I wonder if my boyfriend finds those women more attractive, even though he’s never made me feel one bit insecure. My insecurities trace back to the influences in my life growing up, where I often heard comments about women’s bodies. The features praised were always the opposite of what the women in front of me had. Over time, this made me internalize the idea that beauty needed to fit a specific mold, which I now recognize as harmful and objectifying.
Even today, watching shows like Summer House — I’ll see women in bikinis and feel like what I have isn’t good enough if their body is different than mine in a way I deem to be “better”.
September 9, 2024
Death can happen to anyone at any time — when it happens tragically and suddenly, it can make you pause and reevaluate how you've been living life: An extremely powerful moment of reflection, pushing me to question whether I'm living in alignment with my true values and the impact I want to leave behind. If I were to die tomorrow, I wouldn’t be happy with how I’ve lived— often taking daily life for granted and not fully appreciating the love and joy around me. Allowing superficial worries to prevent me from living fully. It’s a blessing to get to age.
Love is the greatest gift, and nothing can replace it. To have that in so many ways makes me incredibly lucky. Every day spent with my boyfriend, friends, family — whether good or challenging, is something I cherish. I want to move forward with patience and gratitude, living fully in the present instead of fearing aging and superficial worries.
September 15, 2024 ✮˚.⋆. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁
𝓕𝓻𝓸𝓶 𝓶𝔂 𝓐𝓷𝓷𝓾𝓪𝓵 𝓑𝓲𝓻𝓽𝓱𝓭𝓪𝔂 𝓢𝓹𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓭
This upcoming year...
12 The Hanged Man and Queen of Cups
[seeing things from a new perspective + emotional balance]
Interpretation: Letting life fold naturally without forcing outcomes. Emotional growth coming from a shift in perspective. I find peace by leaning into compassion for both myself and others.
What truly matters in life is the ability to find moments of gratitude and joy each day. Worrying so much about aging and being overly critical of myself seems so silly now. It’s clear how easily those thoughts can overshadow even the most meaningful experiences. I want my memories to be fulfilling when I look back, without aging and self-doubt clouding them. Instead of letting those fears take over, I want to embrace the present and appreciate life's beauty, no matter the changes that come with time.