Balancing the Highs: Cannabis & Clarity

Over the weekend, the power went out all day and night because of the hurricane. With no electricity and nowhere to go, we decided to grab some weed and call up a friend while we sat in the candle light, talking and catching up. It was one of those unexpected moments where, despite everything, we just let go and enjoyed being in the present. But as the days passed, I found myself thinking more deeply about my relationship with cannabis and how it fits into my life.

My relationship with cannabis is an interesting one—sometimes, it makes me feel deeply relaxed, connected to myself and others, and even a little more creative.

In those moments, I feel great, like everything clicks into place. But then there are other times when it leads me down a path of discontentment. I get caught up in a loop of overthinking, wishing for things I don't have, and before I know it, I’m in analysis paralysis. I realize that when I use cannabis too frequently, especially when I'm alone, it holds me back. It amplifies what’s already there inside me, both the strengths and the challenges.

₊ ⊹ ݁˖ ⋆.˚✮ 𝒮𝓊𝓃 & 𝒥𝓊𝓅𝒾𝓉𝑒𝓇 𝒾𝓃 𝒱𝒾𝓇𝑔𝑜 ✮˚⋆. ݁₊ ⊹ ݁˖ 

Astrologically, this makes sense for me. With both my Sun and Jupiter in Virgo, I thrive when I’m grounded, organized, and focused. Since these placements are in my 2nd house, my self-worth and security are closely tied to productivity and financial stability. When I overuse cannabis, it disrupts the structure and focus I rely on, creating more anxiety and throwing off my routine—something Virgo energy depends on.

I’m not one of those people who can smoke every day and still be as productive, I’ve learned that about myself. Cannabis, like alcohol, is something that works best for me in moderation—something to be enjoyed on occasion, maybe with friends or in social settings, but not as a daily indulgence.

Reflecting on my past, I’ve seen firsthand how cannabis has affected other areas of my life, particularly my struggle with bulimia. I’ve battled bulimia since high school, and the connection between cannabis use and the cycle of binging and purging became clear to me over time. There have been instances where smoking led to impulsive binges, which ultimately resulted in purging. The role cannabis plays in this cycle is just as significant as when these behaviors occur without it. I will be writing a separate journal dedicated to my journey with bulimia, but it’s important to acknowledge how cannabis contributes to this pattern. 

𝑀𝑒𝓇𝒸𝓊𝓇𝓎 𝒾𝓃 𝒱𝒾𝓇𝑔𝑜 𝒸𝑜𝓃𝒿𝓊𝓃𝒸𝓉 𝒮𝓊𝓃 & 𝒥𝓊𝓅𝒾𝓉𝑒𝓇

Mental clarity and precision are essential for me to thrive. While cannabis might help me unwind from overthinking in some areas, it also tends to cloud my judgment and make me overthink in others.

On October 5, 2022, I used tarot to help me further reflect
The Moon / The Hierophant Rx / and The Hanged Man
[illusion, fear, intuition / personal beliefs / pause, surrender, new perspectives]

The moon represents fears and illusions, coming out when I am projecting fear into my present and future based on past experiences. Maybe getting high is this for me? I notice I am not as productive, lacking initiative and focus when I smoke. Smoking hinders me from reaching my goals and moving forward. Despite knowing this, I still cave sometimes. Why? I haven’t used since before I started YouTube and had less going on so is this enough to keep me from smoking? Challenges like this are why I want to share knowledge and insight. I learn by going through and collecting wisdom during reflection. I see alternative ways of doing things and living life and am trusting my intuition as I create my own path. Now is a good time to pause briefly and rebalance my energy. I have smoked this week up until today and I did binge and purge one of the days - get this in order before taking my next big step. “What I have here won’t get me there” Release these behaviors as they do not serve me and drain my energy. Next time I want to smoke, reflect on what I am trying to escape.

Later that same night, my tarot cards reflected my restlessness with
Knight of Swords Rx / 5 of Wands / 8 of Wands
[restless, unfocused, impulsive / conflict and tension / delays, frustration, internal alignment]

Feeling restless because I want to take action, but something is holding me back. When I smoke I get lazier and it holds me back. I spent all day out thrifting til about 4:30pm and still kind of felt just a little puffy and less lively in my face from the past few days. Didn’t feel the worst, but didn’t feel the best so I smoked around 6pm. I didn’t binge and purge - but I still don't think this is healthy. Especially since it does make me a little lazier. I have so much I want to do and need to have focused energy to do it all. I can stop and refocus now before its too late and it effects every area of my life in a negative way that holds me back. Physically, feeling bloated and puffy, face round and eyes dull, mentally not in a good place, finances suffer, I spend more money on things that bring a negative energy exchange. To move forward with my goals, my life needs to be in order: physical health, emotional well-being, energy levels, spirituality.

Death Rx: “You are resisting a change that is necessary for you to move forward. Nothing new can begin while you are holding onto this negative energy” 

. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁⋆.˚✮ 𝑀𝒶𝓇𝓈 𝒾𝓃 𝒞𝒶𝓃𝒸𝑒𝓇 ✮˚.⋆. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ .

With My Mars being in Cancer, I tend to act from an emotional place, so when I’m feeling overwhelmed, I reach for cannabis as a way to escape. Being in the 11th house, which rules relationships and connections within groups, my emotions can fluctuate based on whether I feel supported or lonely. But in reality, I’ve learned that avoiding those feelings and attempting to mask them doesn’t serve me in the long run—it only delays the work I need to do.

October 7, 2022, I pulled the Death and Devil cards

Triumph over addictions and self-imposed imprisonment caused by bad habits: bulimia and cannabis. When I smoke, it contributes to binges that often lead to purging. I know to have my dream life I need to reserve this for special occasions that revolve around celebration and not alone when it revolves around escapism. I just saw Andrerw Huberman released a podcast about cannabis so I want to listen.

October 8, 2022

I got sick again last night. It’s the second time this week since I’ve been smoking. Prior to this, it had been about 2 months since the last time I binge and purged. I am more impulsive when I smoke. I feel more alive when I’m not taking in any substances. I’m listening to the Huberman podcast and taking notes on how cannabis affects the brain and body. I will share my experience with it and how its a double-edged sword. When I smoke, the starting effects may be good, but after a little time it has the opposite effect. I become more disengaged with life and the real world. This is a test of faith: I know this is a habit that keeps me from my best self and goals. I WILL NOT CRUMBLE. Today, I can work on re-balancing with a little extra self-care: get outside for a walk, stretch, nourish my body. My daily tasks and structures keep me grounded and stable, only then can I lead others. Create calm out of this chaos by breaking down this need to smoke to escape. Life may feel “off” right now since I have smoked every day this week, creating tension and stress, but I can take the reins before it gets further out of control. 100% abstinence from all substances is my approach for the time being. When I let limiting beliefs plague me, it prevents me from moving forward. These beliefs: that I’m not good enough, that no one truly loves me, and I’m not worthy of success, keep me from moving forward. They drive me to engage with bulimia and smoke. These cause self-imprisonment and impact my confidence on a deep level.

When I smoke every day, I can feel the impact on my motivation and productivity, especially with things like sewing, which requires my full focus and creative energy. I love that initial feeling after I haven’t smoked for a while, but when I fall into the pattern of using it regularly, I start to notice the difference in how I show up for my goals.

It’s a pattern I’ve struggled with for years, and every time I relapse into it, I’m faced with the challenge of balancing my desire to escape and my need to stay clear-headed. On November 4, 2022, during another difficult period, I turned to tarot and was reminded of my power to choose the light over darkness. I know that facing my struggles head-on, without cannabis, allows me to grow stronger. It is a choice I have to make each time:

Facing darkness and choosing light is the most profound calling of all. When I am in the ‘underworld’ and experiencing pain or suffering it can be easy to feel like hope is lost. I feel an overwhelming sense of anxiety and my creativity diminishes, leaving me uninspired. I tend to fall into the ‘underworld’ when there is an imbalance in my life. This is when I usually start to feel restless and lonely, wanting to give into my escapism tendencies to cope. Every time I face darkness instead of giving into escapism and bad habits, I discover more of myself and come out feeling more whole than I did going into the ‘underworld’. This is a choice I must make each time I am going through a more difficult period - I can either give into unhealthy behaviors and create even more imbalance, or I can put positive energy into my life and have a sustainable, long-term future.

I can harness my energy in dark times, learn and grow from it, then bring back lessons to others. New truths are always uncovered through deep honesty and reflection. Healing isn't linear: it is a continual process as we are constantly growing and evolving. This is what I want to share and help others see. I want to share what I have learned and has helped me. My goals are taking off slowly, and thats okay! Continue to put my heart out there despite feeling stuck. Let go of how I think things should be and just reside in what is. Be consistent and loosen my grip. Trust as long as I am radiating positive energy, it will be reciprocated. Let go of fears and sit in my power, having unwavering belief in myself. 

I want to honor the side of me that thrives when I’m clear-headed and driven. My Virgo energy craves that sense of accomplishment, and I know that when I stay aligned with that, I can move closer to my long-term goals. At the same time, I’m aware that with my Mars in Cancer, I need to be gentle with myself. My emotional nature sometimes drives me to seek comfort in the wrong places, but I’m learning to channel that energy into healthier outlets.

Life isn’t exactly where I want it to be right now, but using cannabis as an escape won’t get me there any faster. It’s all about balance, and I’m working on finding mine. I know that by listening to my body, honoring my Virgo need for structure, and being mindful of when I reach for cannabis, I can stay on track toward the life I envision. I’m grateful for the awareness I have around this, and I trust myself to make choices that support my long-term goals.

𝓧𝔁, 𝓙𝓮𝓼𝓼