The Contradiction of Reselling and Modeling: A Journey with Body Image

Working for myself has been one of the most liberating experiences. It has allowed me to channel my creativity, control my schedule, and take the time I need for self-care and healing. But like many things in life, it has also been full of contradictions—something I’ve always been drawn to.

On one hand, having the freedom to create and manage my time has empowered and allowed me to grow. On the other hand, certain aspects have contributed to a negative self-image, especially when it comes to reselling and modeling clothes.

Reselling clothing often requires photographing myself daily in different pieces, which means constantly scrutinizing my body in the mirror, in pictures, and in clothes. This level of focus on how I look—day after day—has sometimes fed into long-standing struggles with my body image. Having dealt with disordered eating in the past, I find that this routine can sometimes lead me down a slippery slope of negative self-talk and unhealthy behaviors.

It’s something I reflected on deeply in my journal during a flight to LA. September 13th, 2023:

"Everyone has a different body and body type. Don't feel low when some things don't fit me, and don't force myself, by means of restricting, to fit them."

What I’ve realized is that trying to mold myself to fit every piece of clothing I sell or model is a losing battle. Early on, I was dead set on modeling everything I sold. When a piece didn’t fit, I would hold it back, thinking I needed to restrict my diet until I could squeeze into it. That mindset came from an ego-driven place—a need for control and validation.

Over time, I’ve asked myself: What really fulfills me? What do I feel when I give into ego? The answer is never as rewarding as I expect.

When I gave in to that urge to restrict my diet, it would often spiral. I’d try to eat one meal a day or eliminate bread for weeks. If a binge/ purge cycle happened, it would set me back even further. I wouldn’t list new clothes for two weeks because I felt too bloated to model. I let my need for perfection get in the way of my joy.

"It gives me some type of gratification to be small. But I also want to enjoy food freely, without worrying about if some ice cream at night is going to leave me bloated in the morning for photos."

This constant push and pull—the desire to be both creatively fulfilled and at peace with my body—is an ongoing struggle. I deprive myself of one of life’s greatest joys—food. If I want a sandwich and fries, I want to feel free to have them without guilt. But I’ve also had to learn that I can’t let a temporary feeling of being bloated or ‘off’ dictate how I feel about myself.

After my week in LA, I started shifting my mindset. If something doesn’t fit, or I don’t feel up to modeling, I now opt for a flat lay photo instead. It’s a small but meaningful change. It reminds me that the clothes are meant to serve me, not the other way around.

The more I let myself enjoy food without restrictions, the kinder I am to both my mind and body, and the easier it’s been to break free from the binge/purge cycle. Some of the small pleasures I now savor that I once denied myself include having a little Häagen-Dazs or Graeter’s every night, enjoying more bread, and going out to eat without obsessing over how it might affect the photos I take the next day.

The constant mental chatter about my body has quieted down—there are still days when the thoughts creep in, but they’re less intense and much less frequent. Releasing this negative energy has created space for more positive, focused thinking. I’ve channeled that mental clarity into analyzing data for Holy Thrift, designing and sewing clothing, and creating this website. Most importantly, I’m a better friend, girlfriend, and business partner because I’m more fully present, appreciating all my body allows me to do—beyond just how I look in photos.

October 13, 2024
I am happy to truly enjoy food without guilt. I love nourishing foods that supply my body with the energy it needs—but I also love to indulge, especially on the weekends. When I allow myself to have without guilt, the urge to binge goes away. I can't think of the last time I got food and was hard on myself about what I was eating. I have binged and purged within the last 6 months, but it was more-so tied to my emotions as opposed to guilt over food or my body. Bulimia is a tricky thing for me: being that this is something I've dealt with since I was 13, I am realizing the act is tied to so many things, not just body image. It had become my default for so many years and is a habit I carried into many facets of my life. I am giving myself grace with this relapse and not being too hard on myself.

I do catch myself doing weird things though, subconsciously—like today, in front of the mirror: legs together, standing straight and bending my knees to make sure I still had a thigh gap, seeing how it looked in both positions. As if not having it would make me any less of a person. I noticed my first reaction was, "ok good". I was feeling bloated and thought I had put on a few pounds because my jeans weren't fitting me like they usually do. While I don't eat and workout with the aim to have a thigh gap, it is some weird benchmark of how I feel about my body—this isn't healthy and I know this. I should feel good about myself whether I have a thigh gap or not.

I am blessed and grateful for my body. Despite everything I’ve put it through over nearly two decades, it continues to show resilience and strength. This body carries me through challenges, adapts, and remains my home. Sometimes, I’m in awe of its ability to keep going, even when I haven’t always given it the care it deserves.