What is 'God' to me?

In a desperate attempt to give meaning to life, many turn to religion, because a struggle in the name of faith is always a justification for some grand action that could transform the world. "We are doing God's work," they tell themselves—And they become devout followers, then evangelists, and finally, fanatics.

They don't understand that religion was created in order to share the mystery and to worship, not to oppress or convert others. [Paulo Coehlo: Manuscript Found in Accra]

I've been reflecting on what 'God' means to me for some time now. One of my earliest memories of religion is from childhood — every other weekend when my dad picked me up, I could no longer be myself.

Though I can’t recall the specific religion, I'll never forget the strict rules, especially on women: floor-length skirts, long sleeves, no makeup, no jewelry, no haircuts. Even simple pleasures like watching TV or listening to non-religious music were off-limits. Anytime I stayed over there, I had to follow these rules, and I hated it. This was my first experience with religious dogma.

One memory was from Sunday school. The kids always went downstairs and did various crafts centered around the theme of religion. I didn't love it, but it was much better than sitting through the sermon. I, solely, was given instruction to write on the back of a little mirror “who needs baptized?” When I flipped it over, I saw my reflection staring back at me. Even though I had been baptized as a baby, it didn’t count because it wasn’t done in their way. This instantly made me feel less then and singled out.

Another time, I was told that my great-grandpa went to hell simply because he didn’t follow their specific faith. I felt unseen, unloved, and imprisoned in that environment. I remember wanting purple streaks in my hair when Lizzie McGuire was popular, and my dad adamantly dismissed it, even though my mom would have let me. I feared being judged and treated poorly, just like my half-brother had been when he decided to put funky dots in his hair. I didn't want that same treatment.

These experiences made me question: if 'God' is supposed to be all-loving, why did these rules and beliefs make me feel the exact opposite, just because I didn’t conform?

As religion is increasingly used to justify laws and control women, I can’t help but reflect on how these early experiences of judgment shaped my lifelong questioning of where judgment + faith = love. I’ve seen people fiercely condemn abortion, even in cases of rape, labeling women as murderers without a shred of empathy for the trauma they endure. Where is the empathy for those raped and forced to carry that pain? Where is empathy for women who die because they are not able to get proper care? The indifference towards the cruelty taking place — countless innocent lives lost in Palestine, half the population being children. Casually dismissing such tragedies as "casualties in war" is hypocritical and shows a narrow-minded view and selective application of moral outrage. Not wanting tax dollars to go to planned parenthood, but not caring about contributing to child deaths in Gaza.

March 20, 2021 - From My Evening Gratitude Journal
What are you learning about 'God'?

I don’t believe in the traditional concept of God as a man in the sky who decides who goes to heaven or hell. To me, God is more spiritual—a higher level of consciousness that connects all living things and energy. When you pray or express gratitude, you are contributing positive energy to the collective world. It’s a way to raise the vibration of love.

I believe that heaven and hell aren’t physical places but states of mind. When we die and release DMT, we relive our lives in those moments. Your experiences, your emotions—everything becomes clear. You live eternally with how those memories make you feel. If you lived with regret or misery, that will likely consume you in the afterlife. But if you lived a meaningful and intentional life, you’ll feel that sense of peace, what we might call 'heaven.'

The idea of heaven and hell as states of mind, shaped by how we live and the energy we contribute, feels empowering to me. It places the focus on intention and presence in life rather than fear of punishment or pursuit of reward.

Updated October 22, 2024 - found this so interesting
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